Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend? Why you should avoid asking this question to a child

When his mother asked him one day after school if he had a girlfriend, 4-year-old Nicholas looked at his father strangely and said, "Dad, do you have to have a girlfriend?"

As for 7-year-old Olivia, when a parent at a birthday party asked her which of the guests was her boyfriend, she immediately lowered her head and walked away, embarrassed, from the group of children she was playing with. The next day at school, she avoided hanging out with them because she was embarrassed that someone might think one of her friends was her boyfriend.

These two situations are probably familiar to you, as it's common for adults to ask children these kinds of questions. While it's obvious they're just trying to see how the child reacts, this seemingly innocent question can have consequences for how the child behaves around others.

Peer interaction is a powerful learning tool. The concept of friendship evolves throughout development and therefore differs depending on the child's age. Robert Selman , a professor at Harvard University, proposed one of the most well-known theories on the evolution of friendship.

He suggested that while preschoolers maintain an egocentric view of friendship and consider friends to be those with whom they share play and physical space, for school-aged children, shared preferences and cooperation become more important. By adolescence, mutual support is more highly valued.

Also read : How do children choose their friends?

Peer relationships contribute to everyone's emotional and social development by fostering a sense of belonging to a group. In childhood, curiosity about one's own body and the bodies of others is normal, while in preadolescence, sexual exploration is common.

The nature of peer relationships changes during adolescence, with increased sexual interest. It is only then that friendships evolve into a more emotional bond.

The influence of adults

From a very early age, there is a preference for relationships with peers of the same sex that continues into adolescence. Although it is common for children to prefer playing with peers of their own sex, this segregation influences their relationships with others.

Adults, through their comments, approve or disapprove of the relationships children have with their peers, conditioning them. We influence, perhaps naively and without malice, the relationships between boys and girls.

Also read: Elementary School: How to Help a Child Make Friends

Although there is a proven preference for same-sex friendships, children do not, from a young age, attribute their relationships with others to anything other than friendship. In fact, a 4-year-old can hardly explain what a boyfriend or girlfriend is; they may even equate the concept with best friends. When an adult uses the terms "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" to refer to a good friend of their child, it creates confusion for the child, who, at this young age, is learning to identify their own emotions and those of others.

Asking children if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend can influence how they relate to their friends. By asking such questions, we convey the idea that boys and girls cannot have a friendship, but that by playing with peers of the opposite sex, the relationship becomes something more. In this way, we encourage them to only have relationships with people of the same sex, highlighting the differences between the two.

In addition, we encourage them to avoid friends of the opposite sex to avoid derogatory comments from the rest of the group. The innocent question "Who is your girlfriend?" may cause an 8-year-old boy to reject the female friend he plays with because he doesn't want to be singled out from the group for having a close friendship, which is often associated with behaviors that children are ashamed of, such as kissing or holding hands.

Also read : Do children's games have a gender?

By asking children if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, we are alerting them to a different way of relating to people, which encourages a change in the way they relate to their friends.

When we ask children which boy they like or who their girlfriend is, we normalize the idea that at their age they can have a close friend like adults, which encourages the hypersexualization of children. We condone behaviors that have no place in childhood, approving them with our comments, and encourage them to assume roles that are not appropriate for their developmental stage.

In conclusion, adults should encourage children's friendships because social connections are one of the most powerful protective factors for psychological well-being.

However, interpreting children's social behaviors, such as sharing time and play, as romantic relationships creates differences between them, disrupts their learning about emotions, and can lead them to distance themselves from precisely the friends with whom they share more interests and preferences.