Sometimes I feel guilty I'm not yet dead – one NHS change can fix this

Sometimes I feel guilty that I haven't died yet. This isn't the guilt that a drunk driver should feel if they crash and wipe out the lives of their passengers. This isn't the guilt someone might feel if they turn up late for something and, in doing so, aren't involved in a catastrophic accident. This is my guilt, as someone with incurable bowel cancer, that the money the NHS (and, therefore, the taxpayer) is spending on me could be better spent on someone else.

It first struck me last spring when I was at a meeting at a pharmaceutical company and a nurse there said: "We used to just let stage four cancer patients die but now it's a long-term condition." What she meant was that the drugs they have to treat cancer patients are a lot better than they were years ago, so someone with incurable cancer can now live much longer. But it did get me thinking, and I've been thinking more about it as I approach my second anniversary of having cancer treatment.

Every fortnight, I have immunotherapy and chemotherapy. I have MRI and CT scans every three months (or thereabouts). Every other week, I have blood tests and a consultation with someone from my medical team.

I'm not as expensive for the NHS as I was for the first year, when one of my chemotherapy drugs contained platinum.

However, there is always the discussion about funding and uncertainty about how long the NHS will agree to pay for my treatment.

And, for me, there is always the question of why it is doing so. If my cancer is incurable, then wouldn't the money be better spent on fixing issues within younger people?

There are 15-year-olds out there who are struggling who could do with mental health support, but the money isn't there for services because it's being spent on people like me.

Choosing where the cash goes in the NHS is a tricky business. But it does seem odd to be ploughing so much into treatment for me when I'll likely be dead in a few years, when mentally ill teens could have a full life if they get support now. If they don't, many will sadly be dead way before I am.

I don't have any answers to these questions as I'm just wondering what impact I've actually had in this world and whether my life is worth saving.

One thing that I hope to be able to do in future months is to say that the Daily Express Cancer Care campaign achieved its goals.

Taken from my experience as a cancer patient, where I'm left to ponder questions about my worth in this world on my own because cancer and mental health support aren't seen as going together in the NHS, we are pushing for all cancer patients to get mental health support both during and after treatment.

I need your help to make the Government realise this needs to happen. There's a petition on the Government website, and I was hoping you could send it to all your friends and ask them to sign it and then send it on to their friends, and so on and so on.

It calls on the NHS and the Government to ensure that all cancer patients have a holistic needs assessment shortly after they are diagnosed. This will help medical teams understand a patient's fears about treatment and even help them deal with everyday practical things like how to afford to get to appointments and how to talk to their boss about their diagnosis.

And it says that a patient's medical team should ask them about their mental health and wellbeing at every consultation. They ask about every other side effect, but by not asking about mental health issues, they are missing the main one.

So if you can help, it will make all the money that the NHS is spending on me worthwhile.

Whatever you're going through, you can call the Samaritans free at any time from any phone on 116 123. Lines are open 24 hours a day. You can also email [email protected]