Strategies to save the couple when one partner is depressed
Depression isn't just sadness: it's often also anger, which pushes the depressed person to push away even those who want to be close to them. The profound mood swings patients experience are linked to a sense of self-deprecation and a severe loss of self-esteem, which often translates into harsh self-accusations: they convince themselves they're worthless and deserve nothing but unhappiness. But this anger, which the depressed person directs at themselves, can also encompass others and their entire lives, perceived as pointless and worthless.
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Depression and angerDepression often arises following repeated experiences of defeat and humiliation, primarily in family and romantic settings, but also in social, academic, and work-related spheres. This leads to a feeling of profound bitterness that drives the depressed person to consider themselves worthless and inadequate; however, this almost invariably also generates anger, which, even if not openly expressed, still creates difficulties in relationships. Furthermore, unexpressed anger fails to motivate the person to achieve their goals; instead, it makes them even more dissatisfied with themselves, in a seemingly unbreakable vicious cycle. Feelings of guilt and self-reproach then emerge, increasingly eroding self-esteem.
Sometimes aggression is expressed passively, as a victim mentality coupled with resentment and envy. All this only further alienates others, reinforcing the depressed person's negative self-image.
Since depression often stems from a conflict between the need for self-affirmation and dependence on the approval of others (parents or partners, for example), who may have forced us to give up our ambitions, we should recognize our desires and try to realize them, at least partially following our inclinations. Giving up apparently quells the conflict, but over time, it can resurface in the form of discontent and depressive symptoms that undermine relationships.
How to deal with someone who is depressedThose who care for a depressed person should be able to look beyond their overt, often exasperating, behavior and recognize their unmet needs. This can help all family members or couples avoid feeling neglected or rejected. The depressed person's partner may experience the patient's emotional detachment as a sign of a lack of love, when in reality it is a symptom of depression. Similarly, diminished physical contact and sexual desire, isolation, avoidance of shared activities, and recourse to alcohol or substance use, or the constant use of electronic devices, should be interpreted.
The vicious circle in the coupleLiving with a depressed person can trigger a series of negative and distressing emotions: you may feel neglected and abandoned, or, conversely, guilty for not being able to "save" them. This can create a vicious cycle in which each partner's insecurities are amplified by the other's reactions. You should strive not to fall into the trap of negative judgments about yourself or your partner, and remain understanding, but at the same time, not relieve the other of their responsibilities. A helpful strategy is to talk openly and ask your partner if they need support, such as encouragement to resume their daily activities, to break free from isolation, or even, if necessary, to contact a professional and begin therapy.
Francesco Cro, Psychiatrist, Department of Mental Health, Viterbo
La Repubblica
