How to help children understand and accept death

While death is inseparable from our humanity, from the moment we are born, it is an abstract concept, difficult for children to understand, and one that they can only grasp gradually. Understanding death means understanding its relationship to life.

Sometimes questions about this arise when observing the world around us. For example, when a child sees tadpoles in a pond, they might ask, "Why do frogs exist? What happens when they die? And am I going to die too?"

Also read : These Big Questions Kids Ask Us (and How to Answer Them)

The first contact with death often occurs through the death of a family member or the loss of a pet. These experiences are often experienced without the child truly understanding what death entails.

Understanding death means accepting its innate and definitive characteristics . It means understanding that death, on the one hand, is universal and that everything that lives dies; on the other hand, that it is irreversible and that when the body dies, it cannot come back to life. That the body loses all its abilities when it dies, such as the ability to think, learn, or laugh. And it also means understanding that there are external and internal causes of death.

A perception of death that evolves with the child's age

Until about the age of 2, children do not recognize death as a part of life and do not understand what dying means. When a loved one dies, they may react as if nothing had happened, even though they sense the sadness or grief of others.

Between the ages of 2 and 5, they perceive death as a temporary or reversible condition. They often ask when Grandma will return, because for them, dying is not the end of life. At this age, they interpret the information they receive literally. Therefore, phrases such as "she's asleep," "she's gone to a better place," or "she's gone to heaven" can create misunderstandings or misconceptions.

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Around the age of 5, they begin to understand what death means. Typical questions include: "Where do we go when we die, will I die one day, does it hurt to die?" Although curious, they may become disbelieving or discouraged when they realize that death is irreversible and universal. They often ask questions and worry about dying one day.

Around the age of 9, they understand that death is permanent and has a cause. And it's later, during adolescence, that the concept of death finally begins to take shape in everyone's mind. However, although adolescents understand what death means, they may not yet have the emotional maturity to accept what it entails.

Also read : What children understand about death – and how to talk to them about it

If a child has never experienced death in their life, it is difficult for them to accept that death is inevitable. Children who have experienced this type of death have a more realistic and concrete concept of death.

Movies, stories, or video games can be a source for addressing the topic. However, they often convey a magical or unrealistic vision: characters come back to life after falling off a cliff, being shot several times, or having their heads cut in half.

When children are very young, their cognitive abilities do not allow them to distinguish whether what is shown on the screen is fantastic or unreal. If they ask, we must try to explain it to them.

Understanding Death: The Role of Cultural Factors

The child's understanding of death depends on the culture in which they are socialized. In the West, death is considered a part of life, and saying goodbye to a loved one means saying "goodbye" forever. In Eastern culture, death is seen as a continuation of life, with the belief that the soul continues to live after the death of the body.

Mexican culture is a good example of how culture influences the understanding of death. On the Day of the Dead , Mexicans honor their loved ones, celebrate life and death, and remember those who have passed away with affection and joy. Mexican families tell their children stories about their ancestors and talk openly about death with them. This presence of death from a young age alleviates the fear of death and allows children to naturally approach this moment of life.

In children with religious beliefs, the idea that death is irreversible coexists with the supernatural belief that the soul lives in the afterlife.

Religious beliefs provide reassurance and meaning to death, with rituals helping people cope with the loss of a loved one. A review of studies concluded that people with strong religious beliefs, or conversely, non-believers, are less afraid of death. However, if children learn that they may be judged or punished after death, they may fear the end of life.

Talking about death with children is difficult for adults because it involves facing their own fears. We worry about whether our children will be frightened or what impact it will have on them. However, honest conversations are necessary.

Explaining that death is irreversible requires age-appropriate language. Younger children can be told that when we die, our bodies stop functioning and will never function again. Older children are better able to understand the biological process of death. Previous experiences with animals or plants help children understand the cycle of life.

Children's films can also be used. For example, scenes such as The Lion King , where, observing the savannah, Simba learns that all living things are connected and that when a creature dies, it nourishes the earth and new life is born, making death part of the cycle of life. Or films like Coco , which takes place on the Day of the Dead, convey the idea that loved ones will never disappear as long as we remember them.

While it's good to be honest and confirm to the child that all human beings die, certain ideas can ease their distress. We can help them understand that most people die when they are very old or very ill.

It is important to encourage children to express their fears and emotions , showing them that it is normal to be very sad or to be afraid of dying one day. When we tell them that these are normal feelings, that everyone experiences, it is easier for them to express their worries.

Showing our support and willingness to talk helps them through the complex process of accepting death.

Finally, we must encourage them to enjoy life, appreciate the present moment and remember those who are no longer here so that they continue to be part of us.